'You're definitely not straight.'

A statement I've heard for the last 20 years.

Aug 29, 2024

This topic has been something super prevalent in my social media circles.

I’ve seen an article where women “won’t date a guy from Atlanta because they are all bisexual, which actually means they secretly like men and sleep with men behind their women’s back”, wherein the same article also claimed that any man who likes fashion or has a skin care routine is definitely into dudes and to stay away from them (jesus fucking christ biphobia much?).

Two weeks ago I saw an article on this platform from a man who was calling men to be better men — and then went on a rant about well hidden transphobia.

And Tuesday, I somehow watched a TikTok where a girl is stating that the “guy with an Aesthetic Instagram is no man and won’t take care of you like a real man should. And that he’s definitely not good in bed blah blah blah.”

I get it — this is a projection of hurt. I, a man who likes fashion, has a skin care routine, has a semi-aesthetic instagram, and is an all around creative baddie won’t take it personally.

But what I will do is explain how embracing what I call my femininity has made me ~~a better man~~ — a better human. And hopefully some men can relate and learn that you can be a little ‘girly’ and the sun won’t explode.

Feminine/masculine is so weird to me because what is gender but a made up construct for society and a way to explain identity — but alas. I live in a society. So I will explain in terms everyone can understand.

I’ve been contemplating when to actually write my thoughts on this topic because exploring masculinity and identity is really important to me — but now feels like the right time to as I am seeing a plethora of people discussing it. Might as well throw my hat in the ring here and see what happens.

If you’re be a good girl and boy, I’ll give you a treat at the end (podcasts, articles).

Let’s begin.

You’re definitely not straight

A nice way to say ‘You’re gay.’

A phrase I’ve heard since as early as 7 or 8 years old.

That is 20 years of Colin Lore that lines this statement. 20 years of learning my identity. 20 years of explaining that, ‘No, I’m very confident that I like women.’ 20 years of then answering the follow up question of ‘but like, are you sure?’ or ‘yea, but like… a little bi right?’

And all I can do at this point is chuckle.

That statement encompasses my insecurity, trauma/abuse, self reflection, forgiveness, anger, uncertainty, self-doubt, yearning for love, a want for acceptance, a desire to be understood, and finally — embracing who I am, both the feminine and masculine parts of me.

Ali (my sister) has said it since high school — sure, we’re all a little bi, probably. Though, I can’t claim to be bi, I think that would be a disservice to all the beautiful bisexual baddies out there.

What I can claim is how this has affected my identity, the work I’ve done to discover where the root of this questioning comes from, and uncovering all the underlying defensiveness I’ve had in the past against this question.

Today: It’s a compliment — thank you. That likely means you think I’m a safe dude. I’ll take it, I’ve worked hard to not fall into the trap of toxic masculinity, or rather claw my way out of it.

But with that statement comes memories of bullies, of a girlfriend who’s frequent words were ‘You’re definitely bi, that’s okay’ or ‘I’m shocked that you’re just straight’ followed by a long toxic relationship.

It comes with years of therapy to understand my emotional side.

It comes with hiding my poetry from the world.

That statement comes with memories of wanting to fit into certain friend groups — having to act certain ways out of fear that I won’t be accepted.

It shaped my identity — it told me that I was not a ‘normal’ man and I had to be who I was in secret. Which to me felt like one of the worst things I could be.

To Be A ‘Normal’ Man.

But what is a normal man? What does society tell us, men, to be?

I’ve thought about this a lot — so this list comes straight off the dome.

Society tells men:

To be a protector.
To fix things — people, households, appliances, cars.
To bring home the money. To be a provider.
To lead.
To be aggressive — dominant, controlling and to steer the ship.
To be listened to.
To win, for if you lose — you cannot be any of the above or below.
To be strong — mentally, emotionally, and physically.
To be a fighter — in all regards.
To be stoic, calm, and never lose composure.
To never want, to never need.
To work hard.
To know.
Loneliness is okay.
You can do this on your own — you don’t need help.
Sports above arts. The true test of manhood is physical.
Sex is the most important thing you can do as a man.
You know best — whether they agree or disagree with you.
The world is meant to be conquered.
Life is a competition — this is a race to who can be the ‘most successful.’
Identity is ‘Man’ or ‘Woman’ as much as it is ‘Career’.
Family is the most important thing there is — specifically blood relatives.
Killing is justified if it’s in defense of your Family, Country, or God.
Dark coffee, strong beer, whiskey neat.
Anyone who does drugs is a drug addict, but when I do it it’s fun and with the boys.
Grass is better mowed.
Trees trimmed and climbed, not photographed or hugged.
Having a boy is better than having a girl, but when I have a girl she’ll be the most important thing in my life. Second to none, other than my Wife.
Male on Male affection is gay. And gay is not good. I’d never be gay.
Idols (today) are Entrepreneurs, Tech Geniuses, and Athletes— compared to the days of old where they also included Scientists. Also in comparison to photographers, rappers, poets, journalists, novelists, or any woman ever.
I’m safe. Obviously I’m safe, I’m me — every one else should think I’m safe. I’m not biased.
Questioning me is undermining me — it’s personal, and they are wrong. So I must defend.
And.
The.
List.
Goes.
On.
And.
On.

I could probably sit here for the next 3 hours and write a list of 250 things that society tells men to be. SO instead I’ll list a few ‘great men’ of our time —

Andrew Tate, Elon Musk, Ben Shapiro, Donald Trump, Joe Rogan, that one therapist dude who all men look up to for some reason, Ron Burgundy, Ron Swanson, I can’t even say Bill Gates cause he’s a ‘flaming liberal woke sell out’, any MALE fitness influencer ever.

I’m sure you can find some of the good, yummy, masculine characteristics of these guys on any list that says ‘What It Means to Be A Man’ or rather what these lists think men should be.

I tried so hard to find lists I thought would be funny to showcase what a man is to the most vocal parts of society but apparently I’m not in the Red Pilled corners of the internet. I did probably fuck up my google search and Youtube recommendations so bad because of this though.

Instead of a list — I have a video for you. The set up of the video — the minimalistic room, the woodworking bench, all wood/beige colors, the HAT. THE PANTS. THOSE BOOTS.

Mmmmmmmmm yus. Man. He Man. He good Man. Master Man. BIG Masculine Man. Idol.

This is what it means to be a man. This is what society says men should be.

After all, men used to go to war.

But society, and all of religion, forgot that ‘God’ made masculine and feminine. And being a ‘man’ for me — was only half the equation to my identity. It left out, what I believe today are, the most important parts of my identity.

I’m not religious — but I do believe in balance. Nature, The Universe — it requires equilibrium. And too much ‘man’ has created many of the issues we see in society.

And I’m not talking about too much ‘Man’ hanging between the legs of men.

Although — life has essentially been who can swing the biggest dick for most men.

What I’m talking about is: war, greed, competition, conquering, ‘success’, loneliness, the 40 hour work week, being uncomfortable, being ashy, a lack of style, not having hobbies, not understanding emotions, barely any friends, not knowing how to communicate — all of that?

In my humble opinion AS A MAN, all stem from ‘What it means to be… a man.’

Who the fuck wants to be ashy and uncomfortable while looking like a buffoon? Not me. I rather look good and be soft as a baby’s butt while being a buffoon.

All jokes aside — being the stereotypical definition of being a man caused me more harm than it caused help.

Colin, The Man.

Let’s start with lore. Everyone loves lore.

One of the biggest questioning of my ‘manhood’ was whether I was gay or not.

Internalized homophobia? I’m sure. I’m so sure I had it. I was bullied for ‘being gay’ when I was not. Everyday on the bus or at school for approximately 2.5 years between 5th-7th grade I’d hear some sort of ‘you’re gay as fuck’ statement.

I had to get defensive, but it would only make matters worse.

Why was I, a kid who was not gay, being called gay? I didn’t understand it. I’m a man, I like girls, I can’t be gay? That’s bad.

It caused anxiety, desperation for love and affection from women, depression, self confidence issues, and a nervousness to make guy friends because I felt they could never understand me. I wanted to be like them, but I didn’t feel like them because of what society was telling me I NEEDED to be.

I felt safer with women. It felt easier to hangout with the girls of my grades. Hell — two of my best and closest friends were girls. I loved my mom and my sister was a good friend at that time. I did have guy friends, but these were kids I’ve known for years.

These were kids that I played SPORTS with for years — they knew me as a MAN. Cuz I did sports ball.

That experience lead to a lot of social anxiety, I definitely learned I shouldn’t put myself out there because I would be judged and made fun of. The quiet, shy, reserved nature I felt was ‘innate’ to me became ingrained.

In high school — I learned that I loved graphic design, I love art, I wrote poetry and was pretty good at it for a teen. But those were hobbies or just school classes. Those weren’t anything I, a man, could pursue. Instead — I pursued a sexy cool career in Engineering and went off to THE biggest college football Universities in America: The Ohio State University.

(tbh going to tOSU was incredible and I’m only slightly making fun of that. I fucking love college football because I AM A MAN GRRRR).

I didn’t know until much later that the arts are an incredibly employable, justifiable, worthy career. Writing? Not just a hobby. Painting? Not just a hobby. Design? HELL no, not just a hobby.

I had to be a ‘ladies man.’ Women had to love me — that was the most manly thing I could do. And, women do love me — but not because I am a ‘manly man.’ We’ll get to that later.

For one girlfriend in high school I tried so hard to be a manly man (mind you I was 145 lbs and maybe 5 foot 6 — I did not look like a big buff boy). She owned and road horses. I leaned into the ‘country boy’ thing. I helped her out around the stable, I listened to country music, I painted pictures of what life like a family man would be. Tried my hardest to get her dad to like me because her dad was more important than her mom.

Well — we got caught hooking up (shout out to her little sisters snooping through her phone and then texting their mom screenshots of her nudes + us talking about the blowjob she gave me in my basement). That ended that.

The difference in experience?

My mom and dad didn’t shame me for it, they told me they were disappointed but said it’s normal and that I need to be safe. Huh? What? Uh… okay?

Her parents? Took her phone, her horse, and didn’t let her leave the house for approximately 4 months. That wasn’t a lady like thing to do — and he’s no man, you shouldn’t see him.

we’ll come back to this

In high school I could put on a good show for the boys. I didn’t know this — but apparently, I was hot.

I dressed like a man should — shirt, tie, had style that all the kids in high school during 2011-2015 should have. Looking like a young Republican candidate. Sperry’s, no cargos, a cardigan maybeeeee?? Collared shirt and a tie.

A sexy little Ralph Lauren V neck. Man I WAS hot.

The girlies loved me — I was nice AND hot. A catch so to speak. And because of this, guys liked me too. I got in the ‘in crowds’ in high school through my friendship with women.

I got very close friendships that I cherish today because of who I dated in high school — a very popular cheerleader who… broke up with me 45 minutes after we had sex because she cheated on me earlier in the week or something like that.

Trauma. Mental trauma that I never understood how it affects me even today until much later in life. That’s an entire post in and of itself — remind me to write about it later

I was becoming a true Man. And I’m very surprised that I didn’t become a Republican in the process.

College Boy Colin

Here’s where the story gets interesting.

College! A time of exploration. A time of finding ‘yourself’. A time that truly develops you into the man and woman you should be.

The exposure you have to different types of people, leaving your hometown (for most), being independent.

Wowieeeeeeeee, so fun! SO excite.

False. College was a living hell academically and what I wanted so desperately — a relationship — never manifested (the one that did was the toxic relationship I mentioned earlier).

BUT. To be honest, it was the best time of my life up until that point.

I can assure you, I’m having so much more fun now.

I actually did develop likes, interests, and I begun the long journey of figuring out who I was.

I was NOT:

A kid who wore: shirt, tie, anything that made me look like a young Republican candidate. Sperry’s, a cardigan maybeeeee?? Collared shirt, a tie, and all.
A country boy.
An engineer (career wise).
An academic.
An athlete (I am athletic).
A frat boy.
A rising millionaire by 30 (I still have time @ Emily).
An A student (C’s get fucking degrees y’all).
A math boy.
A good communicator.

I was:

Still figuring out who I am.
An emotional human.
Someone who cares deeply for the environment and people.
A leader.
Confident.
Creative.
Social.
Filled with love.
Ambitious.
Optimistic.

I was not what I’d call a traditionally masculine man. And I see that now. I developed close relationships with many women — all whom I’m still very close with today. I developed close relationships with men who were gay — all whom I consider some of my best friends today.

I held and grew my relationships with my close guy friends from high school, but where I learned the most about my identity was from the Gay men and Women I met in college. As well as a few mentors of mine along the way.

Why was this?

This was because I was allowed to explore and accept my femininity.

The softness of my heart, the creativity I bring to the table. I was able to speak openly about my dreams and the deep insecurities I have as a person.

I was pushed to think critically about the wants I have — and if they’re actually important to me.

I was corrected many times — not out of hate or out of aggression, but out of love.

I had to be taught that being corrected wasn’t an attack on me. It was because these people loved me.

I was taught perspectives that I had not considered. Why using the term ‘woman’ is better than ‘female'. Why ‘y’all’ is inclusive instead of ‘you guys’. Why using the word ‘pursue’ in your language of dating is predatory.

I was told that it’s okay to cry. I was given physical affection from friends for some of the first times of my life — it made me uncomfortable.

When, I learned much later that what, I was having was a panic and anxiety attack my friends actually stopped what they were doing and came on a walk with me to calm me down.

I remember vividly being like ‘hey I’m a man’ and everyone looking at me like “ya, but you’re not ‘All Men’…” and having to deconstruct what that meant about my identity.

Why was I not ‘all men'?

All Men

I was not “All Men’ because I embraced what I knew to be who I am for all of my life.

I was not what society deemed to be a man - I was more than that. I was a human.

I had wants, needs, dreams, insecurities, emotions, love, compassion, I wanted desperately to want to compete — but I rather collaborate.

I learned for the first time that it was safe to express who I was rather than who society taught me to be.

For the most part — I learned all of this through listening.

Something I have been innately good at since I was child. Letting other people speak, letting Women speak, letting Gay Men speak.

And then doing another thing I realized I was naturally good at — relating to people and building a deep, authentic relationship built on who we are as people rather than what society tells us we should relate on.

If you build enough individual relationships, you build a community. Something most men I’ve talked to say they lack.

This time of my life I realized that it’s important to question who you are. It’s important to question who you want to be. I did this pretty deeply during this time because of the failing relationship I was in, and because I had a community of people who allowed me to speak deeply about what I was going through.

I was not alone — and I was taught I can ask for help.

For the most part — these were women, or gay men. Not straight men — and I make this clarification because it wasn’t until about 24/25 when I started having deeper conversations with my straight guy friends (I’m 27 now). It is my hope that this becomes more normal in men-men relationships, outside of the gay community.

I learned that this is normal in women-women relationship and that identity is fast tracked when you’re gay because you are attacked for who you love. That’s a fucking crazy statement. I, a straight man, could never imagine that — but that’s because society taught me that I was right and they were wrong.

BUT. even in fear — many gay men still loved openly. And that is bravery defined. A quality many men desire, but many never attain because there’s no need for us to brave. We’re accepted in all of society.

A quality that I think is part of being a ‘man’. It is brave to discover who you are.

Who I am

I — was not All Men — because I was not subscribing to what All Men are.

Shortly after college ended, I met a group of friends I’ve talked a lot about on this blog. A group of people who’ve changed my life.

The friends from college, my dear close friends I still love today, taught me to be soft and gentle and started to chip away at the coat of paint society lathered on me in thick wet blankets.

The next group of friends took paint stripper and a power washer and removed the sterilized version of what ‘A Man’ meant to me.

I learned that I was soft, and I am softening still.

These friends showed me that I was deepening my love for fashion — something that started in high school when I looked like a Young Republican. And that my love for fashion stemmed from the ability to express my identity outwardly.

I also learned I love tattoos, piercings, and jewelry. I learned my high pain tolerance wasn’t just a high pain tolerance — it was a love of pain. Tattoos became therapeutic.

During this time I was also exploring my sexuality — and when I say this I mean I was understanding that I love having sex with women, but in a slow, intimate caring, partnership kind of way. Let me holddddddd your hand while we clappin’ cheeks (we’ll avoid the other graphic shit cuz my mom and sister reads this).

Not in a Pornhub, fuckherhardfuckherquick, kind of way. In a way that I was recently told was not ‘what straight sex feels like.’

Remember when I said we’ll come back to not being shamed for getting caught hooking up in high school?

I think this created a healthy relationship and accepting relationship with sex and my sexuality. My parents never shamed sex in our household. And I THANK them so much for that.

I am a very horny human.

I was learning that I like skincare, I like smelling good, I like painting my nails, I like decorating my house. I have a green thumb. I LOVE cooking. I love reading — and I love reading ROMANCE at that (that’s not manly EW).

These friends taught me that I love giggling and cuddling with my friends. I love holding their hands. I love kissing my friends. Men and women. I feel cared for when I’m SHOWN I’m cared for — not when I’m told I’m cared for.

I need to have deep conversations with those in my life.

These relationships taught me that my identity is both masculine and feminine.

These relationships taught me that as a human, I’ve needed to embrace both sides of me. That’s what it means to be a good ~~‘Man’~~ Human to me.

I don’t subscribe to ‘What it means to be a Man’ — though I can learn much about what my masculine side means to me through this.

What I’ve learned, and hopefully what you take away from this.

Why am I telling you all of this — because I believe being a man is more than being masculine.

I’ve learned that being a ‘man’ means you need to embrace your femininity. It means that to be the best ‘man’ you need to understand, see, hear, and embrace everyone who is not a man.

It means that you need to do a lot of work to understand a world in which you are not accepted — which is not the normal operating mode for a man.

To be the best man you can be, you need to step back. Reflect. And ask yourself why does being feminine make you ‘lesser.’

Does it actually make you lesser? Are there things that you deem feminine that you like?

Do you have feelings? Are you having trouble communicating them? Why?

To be a man means its okay to not be wanted in certain spaces or that you do need to shut the fuck up and listen.

To be a man is to realize there is 50% of the population that does not see your perspective or does not move in the world the same way that. You. Are. Allowed. To.

The best ‘man’ I can be — is to be a hu:man. Masculine and feminine. Embracing other cultures, other perspectives, identities — because they are not mine.

And I (with emphasis) do not get to dictate what others do in their (with emphasis) lives.

It does not affect me — I am a human, and my identity is unshakeable, unmovable even in the face of others’ identities.

This is because I continue to do the divine work of figuring out who I am on a daily, weekly, yearly basis. Something that many men have not had the authority to do — have not needed to do — because their identity IS society.

And before you, men, get defensive saying ‘Yes I have’ — think critically, if you have then why are you so affected by what someone OUTSIDE OF YOUR CONTROL is doing? Think on that. And get back to me — I’ll be here listening.

What It Means To Be…

I’ve learned that to be a HUMAN is…

Masculine:

The love of sports.
The love of competition.
The love of beer & liquor.
The love of sex.
The love of exploration.
The desire to protect and fix.
The ability to ‘Man Up’ which really means persevere.
The ability to be okay with not showering for 4 days.
The ability to step out and look like a child’s doll dressed up in random clothes from your closet: The Adam Sandler fit.
The Hot Dog and Salami diet.
Video Games.
Not understanding your emotions.
The very real ability to land a plane without training.
The very real desire to literally die for your friends and family in a battle for the ages.
The desire to provide.

Feminine:

The desire to take care of your health.
The desire for deep, emotional conversations.
The necessity to ask for help (blame society for this one being in the feminine category).
Holding hands and cuddling friends.
Looking DAMN fine all the time.
Jewelry.
Skincare.
Intimacy.
Photographing yourself constantly.
Being soft and gentle
Baby voices.
Washing behind your ears and scrubbing your junk thoroughly (idk why this is under feminine but y’all men’s hygiene is gross).
Cooking incredible meals (keep reading — don’t give up on me just yet)
Cleaning (see 13).
Caring.

And that is something EVERYONE can be.

Much luv,

colin scott mortemore

(bet some of u besties didn’t even know my middle name. fake bitches. we ain’t even friends are we?)

Ps. if you’ve not checked out my poetry on Medium you should. A whole 77 other people like it and so should you. Click here for my deepest darkest secrets.

Literature, Podcasts, & Things To Do To Be A Better ‘Man’:

Celeste Davis
’s post: The Men Who Like Women and The Men Who Don’t. Yes We Can Tell.
The Man Enough Podcast

This Specific Tim Ferris Show Podcast
Go To Therapy: seriously people just fucking do it. Yap your little heads off. Its incredible.
Start AUTHENTICALLY listening to people.
Be kinder to yourself.
Listen to yourself, not society — you’re not who it says you are.

Changing Seasons

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