Happy Thursday my dudddddeeeeeeeesss (with rizz). I hope you’ve all been having a great week.
It feels like it’s been a long week for some reason, but it a good way. I’ve been at the park most days. I went to a wonderful event last night hosted by Hear Me Out. I even met some lovely new friends that I hope to keep hanging out with. I caught up with my good buddies Nate and Zach to talk about anything from work and writing to how men show intimacy and what it means to us.
I’ve been working out everyday. I look fucking yoked, in case you were wondering (HOT BOY SUMMERRRRR, Taran… you still working out? You better be). And I feel overall pretty decent about life right now.
I’m less anxious, more dialed into myself. I still have some bad nights, however… I’m getting better.
No Money Memoirs: Updates and What Not
I appreciate you all for tuning in, and understanding the switch up on cadence. This feels more right. Another announcement is that the posts will begin to vary in length.
Monday’s are going to be shorter, sweeter, and more poetic (read: I’ll include my poetry in these posts). Thursday’s are going to be all about a specific topic I’ve been thinking about. Each will have interminglings (also doesn’t mingle + intermingle mean the same thing? Weird) of my life + events + job updates etc. For the most part, though, this will be the structure. We’ve seen this structure the past few posts and I’ve really enjoyed it. I hope you have too.
Now. For today’s topic: LOVEEEEEEE baby. Love.
I’m nervoussss (UwU)(iykyk)(jk fuck that shit. I love love and I wanna tell YOU all about it).
I know the homies want the tea, and so babes let’s have tea time.
What Is Love? (Baby Don’t Hurt Me)
Love is such a wild thing to me. Like I love my dog. I love my mom. I love my dad. I love my sister and brother. I love my friends. I love the outdoors. I love chocolate, sex (soooooo much, mom close your eyes), dates, coffee, food, fashion, the city, icecream, xbox, pokemon, and photography and and and and…
But is it all the same?
Some may say ‘Colin, that’s not love. Love is something special.’
I’d say, ‘All of that IS special to me — and love can take many forms.’
To me love can be hot, heavy, and steamy. Or it can be mundane, simple, something that feels like a soft smile.
For me, I cannot get my love from a single source. For many — I’d argue, for society — that’s what we were taught.
‘True Love’ comes from your partner, spouse, wife, girl/boyfriend — whomever you’re going to marry.
I’ve always felt that to be such a limited view. Why place our love in a box like that. If it’s truly something so powerful, and I fully believe it is, how can it be from one source? That makes no sense to me.
Zach told me on Tuesday that in Hebrew, there are multiple words for love. And I think that’s pretty neat.
For me — love, like intimacy, is unique to the person and experiences you’re sharing it with.
And I can hold love for someone, while not being in love with them. That’s a very important distinction.
Certified Freak Lover Boy, Seven Days A Week
That distinction is what makes me a ‘Lover Boy.’
I want people to feel loved, whether its soft, subtle, and platonic or exciting, sexy, hot, slutty, and steamy (you get the picture).
My friends know this and hate (love) me for it. This is why I have deep friendships. I feel a lot when I’m with them. They give me love in a way that makes me feel accepted even if they’re bullying me (@ Natalie, Emily, & Whitney, — y’all my biggest haters with love). I show them love in a way that I know they feel understood, and that’s why when either of us fuck up, or make the other feel unheard, we have a foundation of trust and love to be able to talk about it.
I show my parents and siblings love in a very specific way — like arguing with my sister and telling her she’s wrong with a smile on my face because I know that she’s right and I’m just trying to annoy her.
When I’m going on dates with someone, or even if it’s a first date, I want my date to feel excited, safe, cared for and respected (+ also have a good fucking time on a date. I love dates, planning dates, doing cool shit. I’m a great date).
To me, that’s a form of love.
This blog is a form of love. It’s self-love. And I want to give that to my people, myself, and this world every single day.
Now for the Tea.
‘Bestie, do you fall in love easily?’ Ohhhhhh babes, what a good question. The first good one this week, a surprise really.
Yes. I do. Not like you think — lemme explain.
I’m a really good read on a person. But I’m also so selfish. I know pretty quickly whether or not I can fall in love with someone.
For me the more important question is whether or not I’m willing to compromise other things in my life (job, moving, trips, etc) for someone. Am I willing to compromise, or work with this person, to water this love into a whole ass healthy love tree?
Timing + mental health are really important factors to determine whether or not I’m ready and willing to put that time in. So far, it’s been a minute since the answer to that question was ‘yes’.
I go on dates, have lil situationships, hookups, and extended flings with people who I definitely could fall in love with. Often, however, I know it isn’t going to be right for me in the moment.
I’ll admit it. I’m picky. I have a high bar. It’s 1000% a me thing. It’s never (usually) about the other person.
I’ve also been with people in my life where I desperately wanted things to develop into something more. Many of these devastated me when they just wouldn’t. Historically, I compromised a lot of myself for those people.
I promise I’ve learned… maybe. And I wouldn’t change any of it. More on that later.
Now. Are you ready for the stories?
Dating? In This Economy?
I’m single. I have been for like 3 years? Sunna is the time keeper there. I got him and then, shortly after, broke up with my ex. What a wild time that was. I don’t feel like spilling all of that tea. Shout out Sunna for changing the trajectory of both of our lives.
Time for the tea you’re actually here for. My dating life. My dating history. My life lessons. The Book of Love.
Before I moved to NYC, my heart was absolutely crushed. Twice. Back to back. It was brutal and chaotic.
The first time, I was strung along by someone who for sure needed to figure their shit out (I CAN FIX THEM). Throughout the entire time, we had gotten along very well.
I gave alotta space for that to breathe, but I was also in my own head and didn’t communicate what I was feeling. I should have. Maybe things would’ve been different. Ultimately — it wasn’t gonna work out for either of us because of the games we both were playing. Which was stupid, and for the best. I was crushed regardless.
Shortly after that, I brought a different woman to my birthday, she met all of my friends, and it was a vibeeeeee. Honestly, it was a phenomenal first date (you read that correctly, my birthday was also our first date — NEVER do this. Or do. It’s kinda fun). Less than two months later it burnt out as quickly as it started. I was VERY unwell. Emotional walls went up like scaffolding in NYC.
I was even with someone for the entire summer last year. I wanted to give it a shot, I just knew deep down in my gut (remember what I said a few posts ago, TRUST YOUR GUT) that it wasn’t going work.
I probably should’ve ended that one sooner. I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was having A LOT, and I mean A LOT… of fun. You thought I was going to say something else didn’t you? Smh. My mother reads this. That was a wonderful time, and I ultimately broke her heart which sucked. It was probably what was right for the both of us.
Dating in Columbus in NYC is very different. Columbus I found a lot people who were very much ready to move quick and get married within a year of meeting someone. That’s fucking terrifying like let this breathe bb girl. I like a slow burn.
I like a fast burn too but like the jelly needs to jam a lil bit yanno?
In NY, the dating scene is quick, fast, unapologetic, and honestly more my speed. It’s kinda refreshing how ruthless it is out here.
For example, this week I decided to pause my hinge profile because I’m gonna be a slut IRL (read: meeting people in real life and going on dates with people I meet randomly).
There was someone who sent me a like and I thought she was cute so I dropped her my number, put the profile on pause, and deleted the app.
She texted me the next morning and it was going so well. Great banter, matching our freaks, and plans to meet up this weekend (FYI I’m about to put her on blast because this was wild, and she admitted it was 100% a her thing — she’ll never read this, if she does ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ).
This woman proceeds to look up my instagram account on google (ON GOOGLE) and finds a picture on my profile (see below) showcasing me wearing sandals at the park in Columbus and goes ‘Please tell me you’ve burned these shoes, otherwise we can just stop it here.’
I audibly laughed. I said ‘absolutely not, but if this is what does it. Yanno, I can accept that cuz thats 100% on you baby girl.’ She goes, ‘It is, and I’m 100% okay with it.’ I called her icarus, told her she flew too close to the sun and got burnt. I wished her well in finding her 6 ft, finance bro who only wears Sperry’s every single day for her (what she said she was looking for and she also asked my height which is just so funny). Ultimately, it ended as quickly as it started, and was super respectful. WILD that that was what did it.
Most recently I was seeing a friend’s friend (FRIENDS IF YOU’RE READING THIS for the LOVE of GOD… pls send your single friends my way. It’s hard out here in these skreets) — it was SO fun.
This was another one of those moments where it never was going to work out. Whether because of timing, interest in a relationship, or generally what we want right now. It was such a fun month. The even more fun part is that we’ll likely even end up staying friends. Something I’m oddly really good at. I love friends.
Speaking of friends, I think my most fun, sad-that-it-didn’t-work-out-cuz-it’s-a-hella-meet-cute, dating story in NYC is with, my now friend, Carleigh. Shout out Carleigh she’s dope.
Let’s set the scene — it’s New Years Eve, I’m looking hot as fuck. About to go look hot as fuck in Brooklyn w/ Malu and meet her (now my) friends and celebrate the ball dropping in this brand new city I’m in.
I’m walking down the subway steps, strutting my stuff, cuz I know for a damn fact I look good. And I see a cute girl sitting on the bench waiting for the train. We lock eyes, I know for a fact she was checking me out, and then we both hop on the train and continue to do the little look at each other thing throughout the entire train ride. We both get off at the same stop, and then miraculously get on the same train, and SOMEHOW end up sitting directly next to each other. I’m talking knees touching on the train type shit.
At this point I’m like goddamn I gotta say something. But. HOW ON EARTH DO YOU HIT ON SOMEONE ON THE NYC SUBWAY SYSTEM. Like dawg that’s the least romantic place there is unless it’s like 4 am. The best pickup line I had was ‘I like your pants.’
…. I LIKE YOUR PANTS….
I did not say that. I let the moment pass and took one last look as I left… locking eyes AGAIN. I’m an idiot.
Well, little did I know I sent her a like on Hinge a day or two prior. And she matched with me a day or two after. How cute is that? We went on a few dates, decided to be friends, and here we are months later hangin’ out, yapping, spilling tea. LOVE having friends in the UES.
I’ve had a ton of other dating experiences, and I really love dating and meeting people here. It feels like I’m in a healthy place with it. And in a place that I can accept whatever happens.
Love Lessons.
In all of these experiences, I think it’s formed an appreciation for human connection. I’m no longer dating for an outcome. Which I feel like society has taught us to do. ‘Date to Marry,’ people say.
fuck. that.
Date to experience life. Date for human connection. Date to have sex. Date to try new places. Date to make friends. Date to network professionally. Date to travel. Date to go to the beach. Date to build community. Date to not be alone(?). Take yourself on dates! Date to learn. Date to expand your world view.
Date. With Intention. Or without.
I’m dating for myself. The things I’ve learned about who I am because of my love life have made me a better person.
I’m not ‘using people,’ to learn these things by any means. I’m learning these things because I’m experiencing life how it’s meant to be. Not in a box. Not in sterile environments.
I’m experiencing life in a messy, love filled, chaotic way. I’m putting myself out there and learning so much in return.
This doesn’t mean I don’t get anxious, am not insecure, am not nervous. It means that I face that shit upfront.
I jump off that metaphorical cliff even if I’ve been standing at the edge for 3 months. It gets easier each time. And its setting me up for a deeeeeeeeeeep love, I can just feel it.
I’m so thankful for that.
Honestly — I’d love to talk more about love with you. Please PLEASE. Please. If you have something to say, or want to talk more about my love life, respond to this email/post.
Love is the most important thing in my life. Right up there with creativity.
So if you have some thoughts, lemme hear em.
I hope you’ve enjoyed this bestie. More to come as a I slut out this summer.
Much luv,
colin scott mortemore
(bet some of u besties didn’t even know my middle name. fake bitches. we ain’t even friends are we?)
Ps. if you’ve not checked out my poetry on Medium you should. A whole 74 other people like it and so should you. Click here for my deepest darkest secrets.