What a first headline, huh? The kicker is that I’m not stressed — at all.
I’ve been reflecting a lot the last four weeks and realized I really wasn’t doing well. I was struggling with major imposter syndrome. I felt like I was stuck behind a wall. And I didn’t feel like myself — confident, happy go-lucky, an eternal optimist.
That fucking sucked.
When I realized the end was coming, it rocked me a bit. Not because I was desperate to hang on to my role, but rather it is and always will be a place I truly love and believe in. I had to make peace with the fact that it just wasn’t the right time or function for me. There was too much change too quickly within the year that I was there, and that is okay. We’re both moving in a better direction for ourselves.
That really sounds like an amicable break up doesn’t it? Well that’s exactly how it felt — breaking up with someone you’ll always love, which is so weird to say about a ~job~. I’m a Capricorn, what can I say, I love to work. Sue me.
Now it’s over. And I feel the best I have since January 6th, and not because I was celebrating the insurrection anniversary #WeDidItJoe. It was my birthday weekend. That rocked. Thanks friends.
But it also got me thinking. What was the point of that job? What role did it play in my life? Why am I so okay with being jobless right now?
I think the answer is what it forced me to do.
I moved out of Ohio, the place I spent my entire life in for 26th years. It forced me to move to my favorite city in America. A place I would’ve had a hard time moving to on my own because I have a love for mountains and a dog to match.
It brought me to New YAWK city, baby. The best decision I’ve ever made in my life.
I cannot thank that company enough for forcing me to move to the city where dreams are made. Where the streets smell like piss. And where you can hold sweaty hands with a stranger on the subway by accident.
A city where I’ve not yet experienced heartbreak, but have experienced wanting to absolutely murder a roommate because he was the worst human I’ve ever met. And yes, I’m speaking about you Garrett.
(Kidding, no I’m not, miss u Garrett good luck on ur last semester can’t wait to see u in a movie or whatever aspiring actors do).
Truly wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. And I say that with pride.
BUT. Now what? I’m jobless. What do I do? Why am I not scared? I mean I am, a little. But not stressed. Okay — I am that too. But why haven’t I shut down and had a menty b?
It’s because I know it in my soul this is the place I want to be. AND. I know it in my soul that I will figure it out. I’ve been here before, I have an incredible network of support, and I am alive. What more could I need?
I’m going to take this time to dive back into the things that I love. Community. Creating. And spend as much time outside as I possibly can.
Do I need a job? Yes. I do. Unemployment is not for me.
But am I going to take this time with grace and maximize the value of my time while not having one? Also yes.
What other period in time will I be jobless in NYC and have a little wiggle room to boot? Unsure!! IT FEELS LIKE GRADUATING FROM COLLEGE ALL OVER AGAIN!
(to any potential recruiter reading this, if you’ve made it this far, please hire me — I would like to work. thank you)
So here we are, starting something I should’ve started long ago - a chronicle of my life. A lil bloggy blog. A place I can share not only my poetry but also my inner thinklings and tinklings.
What you should expect from this: ramblings, babbles, and odd observances from the day.
Will I tell you about the cute little old man that made me smile today? Sure will.
Will I also tell you how pissed off I am at the old ladies that feel so incredibly entitled to saying hi to my dog? I sure will. AND. I’ll tell you how they basically pissed themselves when they realized he’s a barker.
Everything is fair game — maybe even my love life. I’m sure there’s a few of you who want the tea.
Do I want to build an audience for this?
Maybe. I hope people can relate to some of my long form writing. Maybe they’ll relate to #beingjobless and #onthejobhunt. Or being single. Or loving life. Or hating life. Whatever emotions I’m able to convey here. The more I write, the more it’ll take shape and have purpose.
That’s the best part about art. It can be amorphous and pretty. Just. like. me.
But for now, just starting out, this is truly for me to make sense of the time I’m in. Stay tuned to see how my job hunt and Slutty Girl Summer (TM) in New York goes.
Welcome to my Substack, I’m so glad you’re here.
Much luv,
colin scott mortemore
(bet some of u besties didn’t even know my middle name. fake bitches. we ain’t even friends are we?)
Ps. if you’ve not checked out my poetry on Medium you should. A whole 67 other people like it and so should you. Click here for my deepest darkest secrets.