Get Your Popcorn Ready...
You're going to hate me for this one.
Today, I’m going to make you hate me. Why, you ask? Because, as promised to my most loyal supporters, I’m going to write a 1500 word (at least) essay about my most controversial hot take yet. Let’s get this out of the way.
Popcorn is the most mid-tier snack of all snacks.
To be clear — I didn’t say it’s the WORST snack. It’s mid. Meaning MIDDLE. Unremarkable.
It’s a snack that invokes no lust, no mouth watering, no craving, no ‘Igottahaveitrightfuckingnow’ mentality. Metaphorically, I don’t think about how bad I wanna rip popcorn’s clothes off. There is no feral-ness to popcorn.
It’s the 6 foot flat, white, suburban finance bro named Jackson from a moderately kind family. He goes to the golf course every day after work and talks about how his 2023 Honda Civic gets great gas mileage in the city and that the weather has been ‘pretty good’ recently. Not to yuck someone’s yum, but he also probably got married at like. 22. Or maybe 23 — just because ‘he should.’
And I know what you’re thinking… ‘but Colin, you can add salt to it, you can add caramel to it, you can add…’ Shutthefuckup right now.
I said POPCORN. Not Salt. Not Caramel. Not Butter. Not Cheese Powder.
Popcorn.
Yes — there are all those INGREDIENTS in other, arguably better, snacks — however they’re INGREDIENTS. Not Toppings.
If you have to top popcorn, that means its a bottom. And no TOP tier snack would ever bottom. They’re doms, obviously. Dominant in their category. They are the Olympic Athlete Gold Medalists of snacks — that of which popcorn didn’t even qualify for.
Where It All Started
To those who don’t know the back story of this post — it all started yesterday when I was feeling… snackish.
(Sidebar: I’m always feeling snackish for two reasons. 1. I’m A Snack. 2. I love snacks.)
A bit ago, I bought a big ol’ box of Buttered Popcorn from THE Orville Redenbacher. A classic right? I love movies, of course what pairs better with a movie than popcorn? What could go wrong?
WELL… I continuously forget how much of a humdrum, wanna-be-healthy snack popcorn is. Year after year, I remember to give popcorn a chance. After all, I’m nothing if not for the people.
But each year, I am reminded that I just don’t understand the hype around this snack that has a chokehold on the fluffy, salty snack segment.
Why do we love this snack so much? Why is it a go-to in movie theatres? What makes it such a habitual snack of choice?
My theory is that it reminds us of childhood. We first had it slathered with butter and salt, and as a kid experiencing everything for the first time — we were dazzled with a flavor that’s never once touched our tongue in such a combination. All because our parent’s wanted us to eat healthy.
And herein lies my argument — you don’t like popcorn, you like butter. You like salt. You like the toppings that are added onto popcorn, rather than the ingredient that makes it.
This is the kernel of truth no one wants to admit.
Or… they admit it but don’t want to let their childhood habits die — which is fine.
But we’re adults. You can literally spoon butter out of a tub and eat it if you so choose. You could add salt to anything you want. Like babes, just eat butter. Be butter baby, baby girl.
The options are endless, so why choose a mid-tier snack?
Data Daddy Dives Deep
I took to Instagram to do some sleuthing while riling some lovely humans up. Boy, did I get a response.
I am a data driven Daddy — so I wanted to know just how hot of take this was based on the initial response.
As of now — 27 voters responded ‘No’ to ‘Is Popcorn a good snack’ and 41 voters responded ‘Yes’ to the same question.
A 60/40 split. And I’m not entirely surprised. It was quite close there for a few hours but overnight the polls widened and it seems that the Yes’s have it.
What did surprise me, however, were the arguments that people had for it being a good snack — and none of it had to do with flavor (WHICH SHOULD FUCKIN’ TELL YA SOMETHING).
The arguments:
None of the other snacks you’ve mentioned are corn.
Rebuttal: Okaaaaaaayyyy……………? If I wanted to argue that it’s the worst form of corn I absolutely could. If God wanted corn to be popped he would have had it growin’ on stalks with their insides flipped out.
It would be poppin’ that kernussy on the cob if it wanted to be popped. But no — instead you gotta nuke it like Oppenheimer.
Types of corn better than popcorn: corn on the cob & corn off the cob. If we want to expand into other types of corn that have other ingredients in it: elote, creamed corn, cornbread, candy fucking corn.
Popcorn is the worst form of corn. Why would it be a great snack if it can’t even win in it’s own family? And that’s saying something because candy corn sucks, right sunna?
Sunna: Yes Dad (can I have some?)
The texture is unmatched.
Rebuttal: Sure, this is reason 1 of maybe 2 reasons that popcorn is, POTENTIALLY, unlike most snacks. It’s fluffy, it’s light — great. It allows you to eat a whole bag and ‘not feel like shit.’ Wonderful.
Well: here’s a host of other snacks that you could potentially gobble up and not feel like shit. Peppers, Cucumbers, Celery, Carrots. Peanuts. Wheat thins. Nut thins. Cashews. Almonds. Apples.
If you want to eat buttered popcorn — I’ll throw in hummus with the above list.
If you want to talk calories: Chances are you’re not eating a whole bag of popcorn if you’re counting calories. And if you are — that’s potentially reason #2 that it’s unlike most snacks. It’s ‘healthy’ — but not when you add butter, salt, white cheddar cheese, or any other topping to make this tasteless air filled fraudulent snack taste better.
If we’re talking STRICTLY texture — you have me. I can’t think of a perfect analog for texture. But one quality of ‘goodness’ doesn’t make it a top 10 snack.
I ask you now: do you over look 1000 red flags for one green flag? If you answer yes, see a therapist.
‘You can’t say popcorn is a bad snack because you have to add butter or salt to make it good. Everything is better with butter and salt.’
Rebuttal: I don’t go putting butter or salt on Cheezits? Or Goldfish? Or pretzels? Or crackers? I could. I absolutely could — but fresh out of the package, these are great snacks. And yes, popcorn comes with butter added in packets too. However, here’s my analogy. Popcorn is like the number Zero. The only way to make it more than nothing is by adding something to it.
Is it a good ingredient? Arguably… yes it is. Popcorn in a mix of caramel corn, M&Ms, and other candies/chocolates? Great! But not because of the popcorn. However, just because it’s a good ingredient does NOT mean it’s a great standalone snack.
That’s the argument here.
Another example: Cheese. Great snack — incredible, there’s so many kinds of it. It’s great on its own. It’s even better with a cracker.
A plain cracker? Great snack on it’s own too, excellent with cheese. These can both stand alone as a solid, all around, snack.
Popcorn? Mid. But better with butter. On it’s own? It’s nothing remarkable.
Butter by itself? Weird, but let’s all admit we’ve done it at least once. Myself? Ate it from the tub as a kid. I won’t even lie — another reason I SHOULD like popcorn with butter, but there’s something inherent with popcorn that just makes this King of Snacks want to send it to the dungeons.
Butter with literally anything else? Got this dog barking.
Quite frankly, Popcorn is like a first boyfriend/girlfriend. You were a child when you first had him or her and you overlooked all of their bad qualities for the one, maybe two good ones that they have. It’s okay to let them go now. They’re still stuck in highschool.
These were pretty much the only arguments made — if you have a more unique, convincing one, I’d hear it out. I can almost guarantee that it won’t change my mind, but that’s not the point, is it? This is a hot take — and I’m presenting you with my thoughts. Anyway — let me now dive into the main issues with Popcorn.
Problems with Popcorn
It’s tasteless. There’s nothing good about plain popcorn’s taste. It reminds me of when I lost my taste with COVID. It’s bland, tastes starchy — I’d go as far to say it tastes chalky. Kettle Corn — sweet, slightly better, but doesn’t leave me lingering. However there is a lingering film on my tongue? What even is that? No clue. It tastes like what 8th grade Math Class felt like — boring, has me thinking about anything else, and like I could fall asleep with my mouth open.
It. Is. A. Nuisance. To. Eat. If I have to find goddamn kernels stuck in my teeth after brushing 2-3 times a day, flossing, and swishing with mouthwash — there is no redeeming quality that would save this snack. It’s a bitch. And IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME. My dentist probably thanks popcorn for the aggressive brushing I must perform to relieve my gums from what is the food equivalent to a splinter in my mouth. Alternatively — the relief I feel when I get that deeply stuck kernel out of it’s gum sheath, oh god does that feel good. But WHY WOULD I WANT IT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!!?! I’d rather just not.
Its filler — there’s no utility for popcorn. It doesn’t have a great taste. It’s has no calories. It has no nutrients. It’s ‘fiber’ but there are infinitely better options for fiber than popcorn. What’s the point? It just sits in your stomach and takes up space. It’s not even a nice feeling when you eat enough of it to feel something. It’s like I’m full, and for what? At least with celery, an equally nutrient deficient, calorie light, tasteless snack — you get the satisfaction of what it might be like to chew threw someone’s finger. I imagine eating popcorn is like getting dementia, or Alzheimer’s — you forget about the last thing you put in your mouth almost immediately after you swallow. Is that what an orgy is like?
In Conclusion —
If you’re feeling snackish — the world of snacks is your oyster (not a snack, but I suppose it could be??). You have an infinite amount of snacks that you could potentially choose from. You, most likely, are an adult. With your own income and an ability to make your own choices.
I do not believe God’s Divine plan for you included filling your guts with popcorn just because you like butter rather than deeply enjoying any other finger-licking-good snack. You have power in this world — and you’re wasting it on a snack that looks, tastes, and feels like Brian from finance. Sorry Brian, but I don’t think anyone wants that.
I have moved from ‘disliking Popcorn’ to making this my favorite hot take because for 1, it’s funny. And for 2, people really like popcorn? Maybe that’s because I’m from the midwest where we’re all made of corn? I’m unsure, there is more to ponder there.
All in all — I am glad to be on this hill, overlooking the valley of snacks. Where far off in the distance, and far below me, sits popcorn. In a deep valley dubbed ‘Mid’. By me — and at least 27 others.
I will die on this hill, and I will never give up the fight to wake you up to the Popcorn Propaganda that has gone on for far too long in our life.
I told you I’d give you 1500 words. Here’s 2000.
Much luv,
colin scott mortemore
(bet some of u besties didn’t even know my middle name. fake bitches. we ain’t even friends are we?)
Ps. if you’ve not checked out my poetry on Medium you should. A whole 77 other people like it and so should you. Click here for my deepest darkest secrets.
IF you’d like to learn more about popcorn, one of the world’s oldest (AND STILL MIDDEST) snacks.
Allergic to corn so obviously agreeing with everything here
I never understood why people hated on rice cakes but not popcorn. They’re equally flavorless styrofoam with an interesting texture that only serves as a vehicle for toppings. At least you can spread peanut butter or hummus on a rice cake. Popcorn is as mid as it gets.
That being said, an orgy is more like a tapas bar. All kinds of good snacks to savor there— and popcorn is in the cuck chair.